Thursday, August 4, 2011

People Who Nap at the Airport: A Field-Spotter's Guide

The Hapless - Posture: sitting. Luggage: wherever possible. Greatest Inconvenience: armrests. Natural Enemy: the Lucky Bastard. Sleep Chances: low (ideal circumstances) to none (whenever head is allowed to move). Variations: the Fetal, the Diagonal, the Neck-Injured.
The Blithe Spirit - Posture: supine. Luggage: as pillow. Greatest Inconvenience: foot traffic with poor peripheral vision. Natural enemy: the Significant Other. Sleep Chances: moderate. Variations: the Penitent Monk, the Piece of Plywood, the Guy Who Packed a Sleeping Bag.
The Contortionist - Posture: non-Euclidean. Luggage: engulfed. Greatest Inconvenience: bones. Natural Enemy: the Architect. Sleep Chances: slight. Variations: the Wedge, the Security-Conscious, the Under-Dweller.
The Architect - Posture: envy-inducingly comfortable. Luggage: lovingly crafted into a makeshift bed or easy chair. Greatest Inconvenience: lack of proper buttressing. Natural Enemy: the Blithe Spirit. Sleep Chances: proportional to Lego sets owned. Variations: the Scavenger, the Dragon's Hoard.
The Altruist - Posture: any. This is more correctly classified as a variation on any other category, only with sleep chances reduced one or more steps, based on relationship with Significant Other. Variations: the Adorable, the Egalitarian, the Creepy, the Nauseating, the Resentful.
The Significant Other - Posture: on the Altruist. Luggage: disregarded. Greatest Inconvenience: relationship drama. Natural Enemy: the Altruist. Sleep Chances: decent. Variations: the Platonic (hypothesized), the Accidental Cuddler.
The Lucky Bastard - Posture: on the one damn set of goddamn benches that doesn't have goddamn armrests. Luggage: as the most hateful of pillows. Greatest Inconvenience: jealousy. Natural Enemy: right-thinking people everywhere. Sleep Chances: probably worse then they look, but that does nothing to dim my hatred. Variations: the Boy Scout, the Tarred and Feathered.

1 comment:

  1. A thorough examination, painstakingly researched and documented, with many helpful diagrams throughout. Four rolling luggage containers out of five.

    -The Washington Sun Times Tribune